musings & ramblings of a 21-year-old college student..

In a previous post on “Convictions, interconnectedness, and getting out of despair,” I wrote about the conflicting rationales of Ivan’s ways of thinking and my own identification with various aspects of Ivan’s philosophy. I was troubled by Ivan’s inability to deal with his suffering and wavering convictions. I have been meaning to follow up with this post on him and my perceived analysis behind his philosophy, because the next paper I did for this existentialism class infused Nietzsche’s “passive” and “active” nihilist views and Ivan’s “convictions.” Whether or not I “correctly” read Nietzsche’s nihilist philosophy is, as always, in question, but it makes sense to me and I am glad I think I resolved this conflict in my mind… So I went back and re-read parts of my paper and am going to share some of them here now…

However, Ivan’s positing of his world as the truth is problematic: the “escape” Ivan creates is one of wavering conviction. In the progression of the novel, Ivan’s convictions come back to haunt him via the Devil in his nightmare. Ivan characterizes the Devil as his “illness…, the incarnation of…only one side of [him]…, the nastiest and stupidest of [his own thoughts]” (Dostoevsky 592). In his self-proclaimed belief of absolute nothingness, much like a passive nihilist, Ivan gets into a feeling of despair. Ivan claims everything to be “disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos” (207-208). Later on, all the worlds of God and Satan are “not proved, to [his] mind” (597). Ivan clings onto the need for proofs, rationality, and logic in order to justify his true world he has created. However, Ivan’s despair and confusion is the natural result of the “escape” that follows from the first two psychological stages of nihilism.

Ivan develops his philosophy by relying on reasoning, logic, and rationality. However, he does not realize that “the strength of knowledge does not depend on its degree of truth but… on the degree to which it has been incorporated” (The Gay Science; 169). Ivan has not incorporated his knowledge and philosophy into his character and his being. He created his beliefs through logic, on the notion that there exists nothingness and that faith in a higher being cannot and does not provide value for him. Logic and reason, however, prove faulty for the basis of “truth.”

…

What Ivan would have needed was to reach the third psychological state of nihilism. This last state begins with the realization that the reason one must invent and create a new true world is derived from one’s psychological needs (The Will to Power), just as “achieving,” “becoming,” and “aims” are psychological needs. Thus, one then concludes that one has “absolutely no right” to the truth one has created, by which one can then realize that “the reality of becoming…[is] the only reality” and there remains no reason to convince oneself that there exists a “true” world. When aim, unity, and being – the highest values – devaluate themselves, Nietzsche argues that one should become an active nihilist in order to truly grasp and take advantage of life…[Ivan] did not want to discover another world because he became obsessed with trying to find meaning and make sense of the one sun, the one world he was in.

Ivan should have embraced the realization that there is no truth by becoming a free spirit and living life dangerously. When Ivan’s god began to die – began to lose its meaning –  Ivan slipped into further despair and confusion; an active nihilist, in hearing that the old god is dead, would feel “as if a new dawn shone on [him]” and his heart would overflow with “gratitude, amazement, premonitions, expectation” (The Gay Science; 280). The active nihilist would view the old god’s death as a wonderful opportunity to venture out into the unknown, into the “open sea,” and embrace “what is beautiful, strange, questionable, terrible, and divine” (346).

Herein lies where, in the past 6 months (however long ago it was that I wrote this paper/took this class…) I think I’ve come to my own understanding of “life” and reconciling the seemingly “meaningless” world with an amazing, “beautiful..terrible..divine” life I am living. So this is my new sun, and while I am relishing in this “new sun” I am going to embrace the meaning I derive from it, until one day — if ever — my god/sun/meaning begins to die or devaluate itself…by which point it will be time to venture onto a new sea.

Today, I came to the realization that relative to my time spent on things, I do not spend enough time reading for myself — reading books on my own to-read list, reading up on current news/events in the political, social, and economic spheres…

While I give myself credit for the overloaded class + extracurricular schedule I always have for myself, relative to my own time management and time-spent-on-other-things, I could totally be reading “for myself”…it’s just that I choose not to.  One “excuse”/reason is that many books I do want to read tend to be nonfiction (thus usually more ‘dense’/educational)…which makes this type of reading similar to the types of readings I have to do for my classes (so then it’s as if I never get a break), but it honestly is NOT an excuse.

I started to think about how much I used to read through middle school and the first half of high school… And I realized that partially, it was because I really did not watch TV. Nowadays, I’m following TOO many shows for my own good and perhaps spending too much time socializing on weekends… And that’s when I realized/decided that this type of hedonistic lifestyle I’ve adopted for myself during my free time isn’t really what I want for myself. Or is it?

I watch so many TV shows and indulge in mindless activities…all of this only makes me  a victim fallen prey to our escapist-, entertainment-obsessed society that I too criticize. I mean, while I am not watching TV shows/indulging in mindless activities, I know it’s not like I’m “wasting my life away” and being unproductive, but when I do have the “free time,” I AM being “unproductive.” Perhaps we all need the “mindlessness” of such activities and the escapism into worlds that are not our own — but when done in excess it becomes a dangerous lifestyle, at least for myself.

I always used to justify my love for mindless things, such as watching chick flicks, watching trashy TV shows, watching non-trashy-but-purely-entertainment-based TV shows, etc. by saying it is one of the few times my poor, over-analytical and over-evaluative brain gets to rest… Maybe it’s true. But it does not serve as an excuse!!!

Anyway…this has been probably one of my more pointless rambles… Just documenting my “journey” of attempts for self-improvement, don’t mind me…

Having immigrated to the United States when I was 8, I had to learn English and simultaneously assimilate to American society. While I was busy attempting to do all of that, my peers seemed always one step ahead of me. And in a way, they still are — culturally. Because I had to learn English at 8 years old, and because I had to learn how to live in a new country at that age, I missed out in the years that followed on what many of my peers learned. Some–if not most?–of this ‘pop culture knowledge’ or what is deemed as ‘common knowledge’ is, in fact uncommon to me. I could not count the number of times I’ve gotten the incredulous looks alongside the “how do you not know that?” or “where were you growing up?” comments when I admit that I do not know some pop culture or “American culture” references.

Of course, I am open to learning and discovering what I may have missed out on when I was at home and not allowed to watch TV because I had to do homework. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not blaming all of my “confusedness” in certain aspects of American culture on my immigration, but it plays a pretty major role in why I may not know what people are talking about when they refer to characters of TV shows that were popular in the 1990′s. Most of the time, I respond to people’s glances and remarks with the “I wasn’t even in the States until 1997″ answer.

Pop culture references aside, I think there’s more at work here than the mere “wow, you don’t know that?” comments. It becomes a question of assimilation and just how much “assimilating” is “enough.” In one of my classes last semester, I learned about the assimilationist policies adopted by the Bureau of Indian affairs in dealing with the American Indians, and the assimilationist attitudes of the Mexican American movement, before it gradually became the Chicano movement. These policies attempted to erase the cultural traditions and ways of life of each respective racial group and called for them to be distinctly “American.” We often covered the topic of cultural authenticity: just what exactly is “American,” anyway? The rest of the world, when they think “American,” they think of what we term “WASPs” — White Anglo Saxon Protestants. But that’s not always the case, obviously. The US as a country prides itself on racial and ethnic diversity, cultural diversity, etc. etc.; at the same time, there seems to exist certain societal expectations of immigrants assimilating to “American society.”

Take the Asian population, for example. Here, I will refer to the “Asians” as one large population, but obviously the different ethnic groups apply here as well. For one, if an Asian is “too Asian” (of which we will define as those who may speak their Asian language to their Asian friends, focus mostly if not solely on Asian pop culture), we refer to them as “fobs” and with that, the expectation for them to assimilate into “American society” seems to be lowered. On the other hand, for the Asians who may have “completely” assimilated into American society (of which we can say those who know nothing of their Asian culture, may not have learned or have forgotten their Asian language, focus solely on American pop culture), we call them “white washed.” And then there are others in the middle — which is where I view myself — who have, for the most part, assimilated to the American society but nonetheless would like to retain (or do retain, because it’s partially ingrained in us) aspects of our Asian culture. Along this middle-part of the spectrum, we are neither “too white” nor “completely fob,” where people would expect you to know enough about American ‘traditions’ and ‘pop culture.’

There is a fine line between not being exposed to certain aspects of American society/pop culture references and plain ignorance, but from my experience these two areas have become mixed. I don’t think people have in mind per se that I am an ignorant person for not knowing X and Y about some aspect of American culture, but yet I don’t think people take into account that different cultural knowledge and traditions are emphasized during one’s childhood.

This goes back to the question of cultural authenticity: just how “authentic” can one be? Especially in a country of such a diverse background and population, there exists misconceptions and judgmental expectations for just what exactly every “American citizen” should know about “America.” But I see this, on a less major but still significant level, as the American assimilationist policy at work here, perpetuated by the American people. What does it actually mean to be American, anyway? We boast of our “melting pot” or perhaps the “salad bowl” population, but this assimilationist attitude is really calling for all of us to be “melted” into the pot instead of accepting the “salad bowl” that exists instead. There is no “the distinct American identity”; there are only versions of it. Until we as a population decide to acknowledge the indistinct American identity, I think that we will continue to hold the assimilationist attitudes instead of adopting an accepting attitude towards individuals residing in America.

And, at the end of the day, we will all still grapple with the question of “cultural authenticity.” What a marvelous world it is!

I am terribly sorry for the lack of updates recently; I am trying to get back into this, but now with school starting up again, it may be a bit difficult. In any case, my past winter vacation was filled with quite some traveling — I returned to Taipei, Taiwan once again for about 10 days to visit family and actually met up with quite a few of my Berkeley friends in Taiwan! The latter half of my break included my visit to New York City.

So it has always been a dream of mine to live and work in NYC after I graduate. Honestly, I think it’s the fact that it’s a large city, and with large cities comes the romanticized view of what life is supposed to be like in a huge city. Anyhow, I hadn’t been back to NYC since fifth grade, which was the first time I visited the east coast. My sister and I went to New York during early January, which is supposedly one of the worst/coldest times to visit, apparently. It was freeeezing cold and I literally felt like I was in a refrigerator whenever I was outside. I wouldn’t say that my visit will deter me from searching for a job there post-graduation, but I think it isn’t a “priority” to find a job and live in NYC after I graduate. Perhaps it’s the freezing weather that is a bit scary for me (seeing as I am a West-Coaster, after all). But, after much reflection, it’s also the fact that NYC may not be the optimal place to find a job in the social entrepreneurship / social enterprise field. SF one of the major hubs for social ventures nowadays, and while I am sure NYC houses some great social enterprises as well, there are just more options in SF. But honestly, who really knows until I start looking for jobs (which will not be until next year anyways) whether or not NYC may or may not be a potential place after all?!

To speak of my future travel plans, I will actually be traveling with two of my best friends to Europe this summer! I am beyond ecstatic, as I have never had a chance to travel with friends (it has always been with family and family-friends, which has also been amazing to have the opportunity to have traveled with them). We will be going to London, Amsterdam, Athens, and Greek islands Ios, Mykonos, and Santorini. I will then be leaving the trip early, and my friends will be journeying onto Rome, which I am terribly jealous that I will be missing but am nevertheless happy beyond belief to have the chance to travel to Europe this summer!

If you have been to any of those places and would like to make suggestions as to what is fun, interesting, and amazing to do, please let me know!