Human communication is something that touches all of our lives – whether or not we like it, we have to communicate with others. And if we cannot do it well, then we’ll find ourselves having a hard time building trustworthy, substantial, long-lasting relationships with people.

I don’t know if most people will agree with me on this, but I feel like there’s a difference between communication skills you use in business/the workplace versus the communication skills you use in your personal life. With personal relationships, the wall of courteousness required in the workplace comes down – and the truth comes out.

Sometimes, it’s blunt. And what I’ve learned over the years is that blunt does not mean good. “Bluntness = the truth = everyone should face it”, as much as I used to believe in it, is not always the best way to go. The “truth” (which usually means one’s own opinion) isn’t necessarily the truth, and even if it is, most people do not like to hear it nor accept it. So I’m defining “truth” as an opinion about an issue, trait, or decision relating to the other party. Usually the “truth” just becomes a more objective opinion.

A journey I’ve – finally, consciously, perhaps – have embarked on in the past 6-7 years or so of my life is this confusing yet important learning exercise on communication. In a short-list, here’s the trajectory I’ve gone on in these past years, which has affected both my verbal and online communications:

Too blunt and broadcasting everything
V
Learning how and when to bite my tongue
V
Biting my tongue too much

I’ve tried to think about what factors (people, situation, perspective) have contributed to this progression. Here are the realizations (bolded) I’ve made (which led to a change in my own communication style) and the results and conflicts (italicized) I’ve faced –

• Difference in perspective. Just because I think something doesn’t mean the other person does too.
  Sometimes people want your perspective and opinion, they just don’t (know how to) ask for it.
• We’re grown up now. We’ve reached the age where we need to be responsible and accountable for our own decisions and lives.
  We’re not as grown up as we think, sometimes. Even peers our own age can provide guidance.
  
• Sometimes, people just don’t want to hear it. Who wants to be the person to be the blunt-”truth” preacher? Most people don’t like to be with these individuals who remain on their high-horses and tell you “as it is.”
  But sometimes, they just need to hear it – they don’t have to follow it. If your opinions and sentiments matched that of others, they may eventually “get” it, if they hear it enough times.
  
• Decouple opinion with judgment – at least in the way you say it. Listen. Understand. And be supportive. Incorporate these 3 things and respond with an opinion without judgment.
  Taking out the judgment from opinion is not always easy – and is harder than it seems.

A majority of the bolded realizations I’ve made have made me the communicator that I am today. But, in making all of these “realizations” and modifying the way I communicate with others, I’ve started to learn some of the italicized “lessons.” These lessons – some of which I am still processing and internalizing – have affected the relationships with those I found/find closest to me.

In the midst of all of this, I’ve become almost the opposite of who I was – at least it could seem that way from an external point of view. I’m still opinionated the same way I was – in the sense that I’ll speak up on social, environmental, and political issues. But when it comes to communicating my opinions about the people I’m closest to, I’m only able to do that really with two — or three, at best — people in my life.

Somehow, I’ve become a watered-down version of myself. In a way, it’s a good thing – for the realizations listed in this post. But the lessons I’m getting are making me re-evaluate the way I talk to people in my personal life.

And maybe I’m just still learning – maybe this is a life-long learning exercise on “communication”, after all.

Knowing me, if I want to make a change and balance the “realizations” with the “lessons”, talking about this out loud with others is not going to be enough. I need to internalize this in my head…and be able to express them through writing too. Writing is one of the only ways I’ve ever been able to make sense of things in my head, so that I can articulately (or as articulate as I’m capable of at this time) express my thoughts and opinions.

I want to make changes; no, I need to. I must find the medium between what I’ve had to learn the hard way (the realizations) — and the consequential results (the lessons), so that I’m no longer biting my tongue too much. I want to start building better relationships with people in my life.

So this is me, trying to find my voice again.

No related posts.

If I’m going to talk about the active nihilist lifestyle I live for myself, if I’m going to live my life supposedly under the philosophy that life has infinite interpretations, if I’m going to have a way of life that allows me to discover new suns and seas as they are opened to me (or rather, as I open them myself), a life colored with my own meanings and interpretations as I make them to be…

then I think it is time to embrace myself as an individual, to trust my gut feeling as I see fit, and to truly and fully live the life I want to live, not one I think others want me to live, nor one I live for other people.

As I work towards becoming the best individual I can be, seeking to reach the potential I have, I think it is important that I realize what it means to be an authentic individual, especially within my own worldview. For me, being an authentic individual means making life decisions and life choices that I want to — so long as it does not interfere with my larger life-goal, whatever that may be. I think that as of right now, my life goal is one that is career-focused. So while what I see from a “big-picture” point of view involves pursuing a career I love and taking steps to get there, it is also taking part in the “smaller-picture” of things: doing what makes me happy, what allows me to live in the moment, and what lets me to enjoy my youth and undergraduate college years while I can. More importantly, it is me feeling comfortable with who I am and what I do, realizing that I should not feel the need to please people around me all the time –that at the end of the day, I need to stop worrying so much about what others think of me. Because they are not me. It is not worth it for me to make life decisions or change the way I live my life to please someone else who is not living the life I live.

I think it’s taken me so long to come to this realization, that now that I have, it is a scary and quite uncertain new world to be in. Regardless, it’s a “new sun” I am eager to explore, a “sea” that I am willing to embark on a journey on, and slowly embrace, in hopes that all of this will make me a better person, one who is authentic to the essence of me, to create a life for myself worth living.

Related posts:

• Wow, times have changed..
• Creating and discovering new suns..
• Convictions, interconnectedness, and getting out of despair

There are many reasons why I have, for the time being, decided that I may not want to go into consulting straight out of undergrad. While those reasons are all valid and require just as much attention, I want to focus on one in particular: salary-level and financial gains.

It’s not a secret that those working in management consulting get paid a lot more than those who work at either a NGO or social enterprise. And while for the past 3 years of my life, though I had been setting my mind to working within the social enterprise field, I had not really and truly considered what it means to work for  a social enterprise, from a financial standpoint.

For me, part of what it boils down to is my background, upbringing, and financial stability which affects my career choices and how that would affect my lifestyle. I’ve talked about this more than once on this blog, but coming back to it — I’ve had a “fairly comfortable” (if not “overly comfortable”) life growing up… and partially I think this is also what made me realize that I need something more than “wealth” to be happy. And here, too, are multiple things going on: perhaps I think I’d be unhappy with “just wealth” because I lack the same sense of “personal achievement” that comes with wealth. And so who is to say that if I were to make something of myself in my future career and made a good amount of money, I wouldn’t be content enough with this? That’s something I cannot discount, because frankly I don’t know how I’d feel if I got to that point. But the point is that in my present state (or throughout my life) I never felt like pursuing a career that would bring in a lot of money would be enough for me, from a career standpoint.

So thus begins my pursuit of a career in social enterprise/social entrepreneurship, what I believe is a way for me to achieve that “something else” that I feel like I lack. But pursuing a career in this field means not making a lot of money, perhaps just enough for a “comfortable” lifestyle. And, to be honest, I think this is what scares me the most. The fact that I’ve grown up living a certain lifestyle, being provided for by my parents, and not having to worry about money is what makes me doubt my ability to learn how to want less and how to be content with a less “extravagant” lifestyle.

And while I can say this fear/doubt of mine can be attributed to my upbringing/growing up, it can just as well be attributed to social and peer pressure. Society — American society especially – breeds a culture of excess, consumption, and materialism. We are bombarded daily with new products or new “somethings,” and are constantly reminded of how awesome it must be to be rich and wealthy.

Let’s take my recent weekend trip to Las Vegas, for instance. Vegas is perhaps the epitomes of excess, consumption, and materialism. Table service at clubs costs thousands of dollars; suites or penthouse suites can cost up to $10,000 per night (can you believe that?!); lounging at the VIP section of a pool party can easily cost $3,000 for the afternoon. While it is not that hard to “crash” these VIP places, there is a sense of “coolness” and even “superiority” to be had when we are able to sit in these places or have the “VIP” treatment. We are conditioned to think that being VIP, having bottle service, or staying in a penthouse suite is what it means to be “baller”, “high rollers”, and just plain awesome. The implication behind all of these words is that: you have made it, you are wealthy, and that is something to be looked up to (in a sense). And being surrounded by that, and to see people’s reactions to this excess/consumption/materialism (myself included), only reminds me more of how much our society idolizes what it means to be wealthy and how that is the ultimate achievement.

While I am not discrediting wealth as achievement, I think there are other forms of achievement that are often downplayed. But when we are surrounded 24/7 by this excessive, materialistic, and consumption-focused culture, I think it is difficult to train ourselves — to re-condition ourselves, in a sense — to believe that there are, in fact, different forms of achievement, and that we don’t HAVE to buy into this wealth=achievement type of thinking (even though I am not saying people cannot have this type of thinking).

Peer pressure is another way we are conditioned to believe that achievement and wealth are synonymous. As an undergrad at a business school, I see a good percentage of my peers recruiting for investment banking, consulting, and accounting jobs. While I don’t believe this of all of those recruiting, a good amount of them want jobs in these industries because their end-goal is to make a lot of money. And to be honest, can I blame them? Is it really so wrong for those who: 1) grew up living a comfortable or extravagant lifestyle and want to sustain that for themselves in the future OR 2) did NOT grow up wealthy and thus want that kind of lifestyle — to pursue a career that will bring in a good amount of money? No, it’s really not so wrong.

For me, I think realizing all of these factors and being surrounded by this type of “philosophy” (if I may call that) only makes it harder for me to slowly accept the financial/lifestyle consequences of pursuing what I want to pursue. I need to learn how to be OK with living “modestly”; I need to, despite the fact that my sister is pursuing a career in the fashion industry (an industry that I also am interested in, as a hobby, but also an industry that thrives on excess and wealth), not participate alongside her desire to purchase expensive designer items, because that’s her future line of work, so it would be OK for her to want that, but it’s not mine. Most of all, I need to start thinking realistically what going into this field means financially and lifestyle-wise and start accepting this and being OK with it, despite the constant reminders that “more is better and wealth=achievement.” Otherwise, I am just kidding myself and will remain sitting here, thinking up some great scheme about how I am going to participate in poverty alleviation/changing the world, allthewhile still being supported by my parents and not having any financial burden at all, until I am thrown into it and hit by the reality of what it really means to want to work in the social enterprise space.

Related posts:

• Social Entrepreneurship
• Research Paper on Social Business
• Achieving authenticity

However, Ivan’s positing of his world as the truth is problematic: the “escape” Ivan creates is one of wavering conviction. In the progression of the novel, Ivan’s convictions come back to haunt him via the Devil in his nightmare. Ivan characterizes the Devil as his “illness…, the incarnation of…only one side of [him]…, the nastiest and stupidest of [his own thoughts]” (Dostoevsky 592). In his self-proclaimed belief of absolute nothingness, much like a passive nihilist, Ivan gets into a feeling of despair. Ivan claims everything to be “disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos” (207-208). Later on, all the worlds of God and Satan are “not proved, to [his] mind” (597). Ivan clings onto the need for proofs, rationality, and logic in order to justify his true world he has created. However, Ivan’s despair and confusion is the natural result of the “escape” that follows from the first two psychological stages of nihilism.

Ivan develops his philosophy by relying on reasoning, logic, and rationality. However, he does not realize that “the strength of knowledge does not depend on its degree of truth but… on the degree to which it has been incorporated” (The Gay Science; 169). Ivan has not incorporated his knowledge and philosophy into his character and his being. He created his beliefs through logic, on the notion that there exists nothingness and that faith in a higher being cannot and does not provide value for him. Logic and reason, however, prove faulty for the basis of “truth.”

…

What Ivan would have needed was to reach the third psychological state of nihilism. This last state begins with the realization that the reason one must invent and create a new true world is derived from one’s psychological needs (The Will to Power), just as “achieving,” “becoming,” and “aims” are psychological needs. Thus, one then concludes that one has “absolutely no right” to the truth one has created, by which one can then realize that “the reality of becoming…[is] the only reality” and there remains no reason to convince oneself that there exists a “true” world. When aim, unity, and being – the highest values – devaluate themselves, Nietzsche argues that one should become an active nihilist in order to truly grasp and take advantage of life…[Ivan] did not want to discover another world because he became obsessed with trying to find meaning and make sense of the one sun, the one world he was in.

Ivan should have embraced the realization that there is no truth by becoming a free spirit and living life dangerously. When Ivan’s god began to die – began to lose its meaning –  Ivan slipped into further despair and confusion; an active nihilist, in hearing that the old god is dead, would feel “as if a new dawn shone on [him]” and his heart would overflow with “gratitude, amazement, premonitions, expectation” (The Gay Science; 280). The active nihilist would view the old god’s death as a wonderful opportunity to venture out into the unknown, into the “open sea,” and embrace “what is beautiful, strange, questionable, terrible, and divine” (346).

Herein lies where, in the past 6 months (however long ago it was that I wrote this paper/took this class…) I think I’ve come to my own understanding of “life” and reconciling the seemingly “meaningless” world with an amazing, “beautiful..terrible..divine” life I am living. So this is my new sun, and while I am relishing in this “new sun” I am going to embrace the meaning I derive from it, until one day — if ever — my god/sun/meaning begins to die or devaluate itself…by which point it will be time to venture onto a new sea.

Related posts:

• Convictions, interconnectedness, and getting out of despair
• Achieving authenticity
• The Greek World

So I just wrote a 7-page paper on why Dostoevsky believes Ivan does not know how to deal with suffering and why Alyosha does…but I didn’t get a chance to try and figure out how this applies to my life. That’s the whole reason I’m taking this class on existentialism, isn’t it? To attempt to figure out why my so-called existentialist philosophy on the world may or may not work for me… So, I’m going to try and flesh out my thoughts here.

While I argue in my paper that Ivan does not know how to deal with suffering, and that his view on the world is problematic, I find myself identifying with the majority of Ivan’s beliefs. Here are some examples:

“the absurd is only too necessary to earth. The world stands on absurdities, and perhaps nothing would have come to pass in it without them. We know what we know! …I made up my mind long ago not to understand. If i try to understand anything, I shall be false to the fact, and I have determined to stick to the fact” (Dostoevsky 220).

“What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured?” (221)

However, a discrepancy between Ivan’s and my views is that he oscillates between claiming God exists and God does not exist; for me, God does not exist. Perhaps I don’t have a clear understanding of Ivan’s belief about God’s existence. But the fact of the matter is, he did not existentialize God the way Alyosha seemed to have been able to.

For Alyosha, the existentialization of God was the ability for him to get in touch with agape love – the Christian love of brothers, an “interestedness” in people. Through such, he is able to escape suffering and despair. I like to believe that I have “existentialized God” in the sense that the meaning others attribute to God, I’ve attributed to other things in my life. Vague, perhaps. But at the same time, how could I have ever existentialized God if I were never really exposed to it in the first place? That’s the issue with my trying to understand the philosophies of philosophical thinkers Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, and the like: that they come from a background of Christian religion (or even Western religion, at that), and that it was after they were exposed and taught it, that they attempted to reconcile such with their own existential beliefs. What am I reconciling?

I’ve had friends who wanted me to go to church and try and be exposed to Christian teachings. It’s one thing to be exposed to it — which I have, mildly, through most of my classes involving philosophy and/or English — but it’s another to attempt to learn it for your own life and own philosophy. I honestly just don’t see the need to do that, because why would I need to learn about Christian teachings only to have to reconcile those teachings and “beliefs” that I may obtain with my current views?

Anyhow, that wasn’t the point – the point is that I need to figure out what it is I’m missing – the steps between Ivan and Alyosha… Because in the novel, Ivan goes into despair and becomes crazy. I argue that it’s his logical nature and his need to rationalize everything with reason that becomes his downfall. For me, I reason things – to an extent. But then it’s like Ivan’s own quote about the absurdities. There are things on earth (and even beyond, if you’d like to believe) that we can never understand – that I can never understand. I’m trying to, which is why I even take these classes to begin with, but I know that there are always going to be aspects of our existence that are just incomprehensible and inexplicable. But I’m okay with that.

…And I think that’s what may be “bad.” Ivan was okay with it – or so he thought. His doubts and so-called “convictions” come back to haunt him and, in my reading, attribute to his downfall/craziness. I can see my similarity to Ivan: we are both so convicted in our convictions. What if that’s all we have? I always like to think that it’s enough, that it is all we have and that’s the beauty of it…Because what I believe, I so strongly believe it’s true for me, that there can be nothing else of a fundamental truth in my mind. Is it bad, to have this strong of a conviction, through reasoning?

Alyosha, on the other hand, gets in tune with this interconnectedness and “agape” love that Dostoevsky supposed believes we need to do. How do I do this, via a non-Christian context? Alyosha does it by existentializing the religious sacraments and being incarnation of God (or, rather, Dostoevsky existentalizes them..), but what would be the need for me to existentialize these sacraments if I never had them in my life to begin with?

So, somehow, I need to figure out how to get “in touch” with this interconnectedness amongst people. I don’t think it’s really socially or anything in that sense. A disconnect I can pinpoint would begin with basically the content of this post. In my lifetime, I’ve come across very few people who share similar sentiments or are even willing to discuss these types of issues with me. I think it’s difficult for me to feel “interconnected” with others in this sense when I don’t feel like I can connect with others philosophically(?). But I don’t think it’s so much that they need to have the same philosophy as I do, for what would be interesting to discuss then?, but as that few people think about these issues and question their beliefs. Again, this is probably an issue I’ve struggled with for who knows how long now, but I think the fact that I still feel this disconnect is something that should be figured out… But how??? Practically, it’s not really possible. Who has time to think about fundamental beliefs such as these. Some people don’t want to, because then it shakes the very foundations of their existence…etc.etc.

…so what is it?? I’m confusedddddddd. Obviously I’m not going to evaluate my life and philosophy exactly as how Dostoevsky pictured it, for how do we even know 100% that that was really even his philosophy? But it’s an everyday struggle (yes, I am being overly dramatic) in figuring out how we (myself include, and perhaps the human race too…and no, I am not trying to be patronizing nor all-knowing) get out of despair and find meaning in our lives, or else everything is rendered ‘pointless’ and what would be the point of that?

Note: My reading of Dostoevsky’s Brothers Karamazov is via my professor’s (Professor Hubert Dreyfus) interpretation of the novel. The class it’s for is “Existentialism in Literature and Film.”

Also, I have written a follow-up entry to this: “Creating and discovering new suns..” as of May 8, 2010.

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• Creating and discovering new suns..
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“He who despairs of the human condition is a coward, but he who has hope for it is a fool.“ – Albert Camus

So this quote has been on my WordPress “drafts” for quite a while now, because every time I want to write about this, I lose motivation and decide to not. But every time I come back to this draft and re-read this quote, the more I identify with it – but in opposite ways.

Some days, I’ll be the “he who despairs,” and others, I’ll be the “he who has hope.” And another day, I’ll be neither – somewhere in the middle as I think Camus intended.

It’s funny, because just last night, as I was reading through the numerous articles for my research paper on social entrepreneurship, I came across an article “Social Entrepreneurs and Catalytic Change” by Sandra A. Waddock and James E. Post, in which it discusses who a “catalytic social entrepreneur” is:

“The activities of social entrepreneurs can thus be distinguished from those of other types of public entrepreneurs by 1) the fact that social entrepreneurs are private citizens, not public servants, 2) their focus on raising public awareness of an issue of general public concern, and 3) their hope that increased public attention will result in new solutions eventually emerging…It is this latter aspect that gives rise to the term “catalytic.”

And I guess that is the one problem I have with that description. That is is the hope that may (or may not) result in new solutions.

If there’s anything I’ve discovered in my twenty years, it’s that hope is never enough. Hope can get you through the day, hope can sometimes bring about change, but it never guarantees change. This may be too tied into my own personal beliefs and philosophies, but the way I see it, one can never rely on and hope for others to change. We can try to change people, to change their beliefs and actions, but we can never guarantee it. Again, hope is never enough.

My too-demanding nature often leads to disappointment, because in every way (both on a personal and more global) level, I want that “hope” directed into reality. And so in reading this article, I would conclude that I disagree. If anything, a catalytic social entrepreneur must not hope that public awareness will bring about change: they must guarantee it and be the ones to bring about this change.

Now, is that too much to ask? Am I, too, being too hopeful? Here we go, a classic case of Rosalind-contradicting-herself. I don’t know – you tell me.

More recently than probably the last two years, I’ve become more cynical, more pessimistic once again toward “human nature” or specifically toward politics and existing injustices. I can never reconcile in my mind the fact that injustices will always exist but the fact that they are, as term itself states, unjust. And it’s not enough for me to want to change these injustices (i.e. my desperate – ha – and determined drive to break into social entrepreneurship and somehow succeed) at my present state and time, while instead of learning actual stuff I wished I were learning, I am instead reading other material I find irrelevant. It definitely doesn’t help, either, to be once again reminded of the “politics IS money” perspective which I realized I’ve tried to ignore. It’s one thing to realize this, but it’s another to have to constantly confront it and be okay (or NOT okay, both lead to the same results) with it.

I do know that “little things” count, and that small grassroots movements add up to become huge revolutions. But I’m still waiting for that. And, in a way, I guess I gave up. I lost faith in the “public” grassroots-movement-model and instead am turning to another sector for answers. Am I just too impatient? Do I need to try and stick it through? Am I really just wasting my time?

God, what does it all mean anyway?? What’s the point of it all? I hate my brain sometimes.

Related posts:

• “Book studying” versus “Real world application”
• Excess, wealth, and materialism and how that fits into a career in social enterprise
• Social Entrepreneurship

It’s hard to motivate myself to study for certain subjects in school sometimes because it feels like the material I’m learning will hardly help me in the “real world.” I think that’s a problem most students face nowadays, and I wonder: is the disconnect between “book studies” and “real world application” actually there, or is it something us students make up?

I guess I’d say it’s both – for some material taught, it really is all “book studies” and yet for others it can be very applicable. I can see students (like myself too, sometimes) using the “it’s not even going to help me in real life” excuse to get out of studying, even though in the end it probably doesn’t affect anyone but themselves…

Or, I could view this “disconnect” another way: the lack of motivation for me to study for certain subjects/classes is manifested in me spending my time doing other things, such as participating in the #SocEntChat May 2009 that happened yesterday afternoon. Let’s digress for a second– What is #SocEntChat?!

#SocEntChats is a Twitter-based real-time discussion on social entrepreneurship themed around specific issues/areas/events each month. It is designed for current and aspiring social entrepreneurs, funders, media and supporters to share their ideas, discuss the state of the field, identify the latest innovations and pinpoint areas requiring more exploration… (more information is provided here)

I spent the next hour or so reading and particpating in some really great discussion about social entrepreneurship (see my previous blog entry on social entrepreneurship) at universities and also touched upon the very topic I just talked about – the disconnect, and whether or not school/education/grad-school prepares one for going into the field of social entrepreneurship.

After the chat, I spent one more hour just reading other articles/browsing Twitter/more web stuff on social entrepreneurship instead of studying..

It seems so paradoxical (not sure if this is the right word to use here…) that I’d rather engage in conversation about topics I’m actually interested in rather than spend my time studying for a class that seems like it’s not going to help me much. But people don’t go to school and get “an education” for no reason, so I’m sure one way or another it’s supposed to help me down the line, but it’s just hard to see how in the moment…

Anyway, at this point I think I’m just rambling, so I’m going to stop.

Meanwhile, feel free to share your thoughts on this!

Related posts:

• The Greek World
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The article that I came across today just so happened to very concisely put together different aspects of a social enterprise, so I figured I’d share (for my own future reference as well) parts of the article.

What exactly is the difference between an entrepreneur and a social entrepreneur?

Social entrepreneurs differ from their traditional counterparts in the way they view the world. If your sole concern is to expand your own bank balance then the sector isn’t for you but if you want to make a difference beyond putting the odd pound in a charity box, setting up a social enterprise could be the perfect way to achieve your aims.

I remember the first time I was introduced to the concept of a “social business.” For the longest time, I knew I wanted to “use business to change the world”, as I used to say. I didn’t know that such a concept was already in place and in practice (this tends to happen quite a lot – humans are way smarter than I give them for..naive me!). I remember being thrilled by this realization.

So how does a social enterprise “provide a social benefit”?

How you decide to invest your profits is another key early stage decision. Some businesses give away their income, while others provide a product or service which directly benefits a social cause and reinvest the profits back in the business for staff and product or service development issues.

What I’ve always dreamed of is the latter part – using business itself as part of the solution, directly benefiting society in some way.

Lastly, the one aspect of starting and running a social business that both daunts and excites me is that not only does a social business provide a social benefit, it must — as all businesses must — be profitable. There are reasons why businesses are successful. And although I sometimes do not like to admit it (and sometimes do not support the most “profitable businesses”, since some businesses/corporations engage in exploitation, etc.), at the end of the day, money a one of the most key factors in a business. But this is why a social business makes perfect sense to me:

Cliff Prior, chief executive of social enterprise funding body UnLtd, believes persistence is key. “It’s tougher for social entrepreneurs because they’ve got to watch a double or even triple bottom line rather than solely cash and profit,” he explains. “They will face some obstacles and lack of understanding from potential investors or business partners so they must have an extra degree of resilience to tackle it.”

So, at the end of the day, the conclusion is the same one I arrived at last year, when I found and realized that starting a social business is my life calling – that not only do I have to be great, I have to be exceptional. Now the question is – do I have what it takes?

Sometimes I feel like I do, and most other times I feel completely inadequate. I always feel as if I have no experience, no knowledge of just what “social benefits” I’d want to target and provide. I see so many problems in the world — even just in the Bay Area or even back home in Orange County — but I don’t seem to know where I’d ever start to tackle the problems. I also feel as if me being in school doesn’t help much either, because although I’m living in a community where hunger and homelessness is a prevalent and serious issue, I don’t feel involved enough in attempting to alleviate the problem. My work with the hunger and homelessness campaign I co-ran last year, along with my experiences volunteering at a youth shelter, and even my participation in planning a hunger & homelessness conference don’t seem enough. I only feel as if I am just on the outskirts of fulling understanding the issue.

I think what I really need to do is get out there and allow myself to experience full immersion into a community, with the real locals, for me to even begin to understand the underlying problems of a greater issue, but I don’t think me being in school will really allow me to do that. Or am I just making excuses for myself? There is a time for “book learning” as they call it, and there is also a time for “real-world application,” and right now I’m only getting a small dab of each. I think I’m going to look into some programs or “travel scholarships” (read: The Fulbright Program) to further enrich my knowledge, so that I actually have a clue about what I’m talking about and then one day (hopefully not too far in the future) start a social business.

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So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, recently, I’ve consciously acknowledged myself doing this, and have been trying to determine why it is that I seem to want to strive for more.

In the past few months, I’ve thought about studying abroad for a semester in Europe. Last semester, I decided that I wanted to go abroad to London, England. So, when this semester rolled around, I began to look for programs and universities that I wanted to attend. I even planned out my class schedule for the next 2.5 years, to see if I could still graduate and have taken everything for my simultaneous degrees, which actually worked out (in my plan, that is). Anyhow, it wasn’t until I realized that I couldn’t go abroad to London through the UC Education Abroad Program (EAP) for Spring semester of next year that I re-evaluated my decision.

I’ve had battles in my mind about this for quite some time now, and I’m trying to possibly convince myself that I needn’t study abroad for a semester because:

1. I already went abroad this summer to Taiwan (which “technically” may not count, seeing as I’ve lived in Taiwan before and have family there…)
2. With my simultaneous degree/double major, my class schedule will be tight. In London, I’d be taking classes for elective requirements only.
3. The class selections at King’s College (where I would have gone) are not broad at all.
4. I want to take so many electives that is offered for the undergrad program of the Haas School of Business.

However, I DO want to study abroad in London because of an idealized image/scenario I have in my mind about how it would be: me in a new city, with new and interesting people, attending school in a foreign place, having an amazing time going out both during the day and nights…

It is then that I realize: this is what I used to think, before I came to college. This is what I thought/wanted (minus the “foreign”/”new”, persay) my summer abroad in Taiwan. I had the time of my life in Taiwan this summer. I lived my “study abroad dream,” meeting new people, going to places in Taipei I never really knew existed, attending school… Coming to college in Berkeley, studying abroad in Taiwan, all of these experiences–it’s the same thing, in my head, which makes me wonder why I seem to have/want “new experiences.” I guess I don’t take time to realize that me being in Berkeley, away from home, is the “new/foreign” place; it was and still could be a place where I’m meeting new and interesting people, having an amazing time day/night; I am living my dream.

So what is it about my life that makes me want to continue and ask for more, continue to ask for a new scene? I don’t believe I’m unhappy right now, I don’t believe the people I’m around are un-interesting… So what the hell is it?!

I’m confused as ever but needless to say, I most likely will not be going abroad. Although I would love, love, love to stay for a month or two in London one day…preferably in the next few years, if I have the money to do so.

I guess we’ll see.

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Even so, taking classes in Chinese literature at school both last semester and again this semester, I’ve come to realize how little I actually know about Chinese history, culture, and literature. Last semester in one of my classes, I studied various poets and writers of the pre-modern Chinese era. When I was younger and taking Chinese School — not even in school in Taiwan — I remember reading the famous poems of poets such as Li Bai (in Chinese). In my class last semester, we read the poems in translation (English) and discussed the cultural and historic background and influences on such poems and poets. Sadly, I think that was one of the only classes I’ve ever taken in my 19 years that really covered any part of Chinese history or Chinese literary history. This semester, in another Chinese literature class, we are reading the great Chinese novel Story of the Red Chamber (or Story of the Stone). Almost everyone in my class had read that book in Chinese/English before, or at least knew something about it. I knew nothing. I am almost ashamed at how little I actually know about my own culture.

That is one reason to why I almost wished I had lived in Taiwan for a few years longer than I did. In second grade, I wouldn’t have learned the great Chinese poets nor about the timeless Chinese classics; why would I? We never learned any history in first or second grade either, and I don’t expect to have. I suppose the kind of “cultural education” I’m saying I wished I received would probably have been junior high or beyond. But obviously, had I lived in Taiwan until then, my grasp of the English language would probably have not been as strong and I probably would have had an English accent. Moving here in elementary school gives one the best of both worlds in eliminating any accent on either end of the two languages.

Anyhow, even if I did wish I had gained more insight and knowledge of my own culture, it’s never too late to start. I am happy my school has such a great Chinese (East Asian) Department. Thank you, Berkeley!

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