I am terribly sorry for the lack of updates recently; I am trying to get back into this, but now with school starting up again, it may be a bit difficult. In any case, my past winter vacation was filled with quite some traveling — I returned to Taipei, Taiwan once again for about 10 days to visit family and actually met up with quite a few of my Berkeley friends in Taiwan! The latter half of my break included my visit to New York City.

So it has always been a dream of mine to live and work in NYC after I graduate. Honestly, I think it’s the fact that it’s a large city, and with large cities comes the romanticized view of what life is supposed to be like in a huge city. Anyhow, I hadn’t been back to NYC since fifth grade, which was the first time I visited the east coast. My sister and I went to New York during early January, which is supposedly one of the worst/coldest times to visit, apparently. It was freeeezing cold and I literally felt like I was in a refrigerator whenever I was outside. I wouldn’t say that my visit will deter me from searching for a job there post-graduation, but I think it isn’t a “priority” to find a job and live in NYC after I graduate. Perhaps it’s the freezing weather that is a bit scary for me (seeing as I am a West-Coaster, after all). But, after much reflection, it’s also the fact that NYC may not be the optimal place to find a job in the social entrepreneurship / social enterprise field. SF one of the major hubs for social ventures nowadays, and while I am sure NYC houses some great social enterprises as well, there are just more options in SF. But honestly, who really knows until I start looking for jobs (which will not be until next year anyways) whether or not NYC may or may not be a potential place after all?!

To speak of my future travel plans, I will actually be traveling with two of my best friends to Europe this summer! I am beyond ecstatic, as I have never had a chance to travel with friends (it has always been with family and family-friends, which has also been amazing to have the opportunity to have traveled with them). We will be going to London, Amsterdam, Athens, and Greek islands Ios, Mykonos, and Santorini. I will then be leaving the trip early, and my friends will be journeying onto Rome, which I am terribly jealous that I will be missing but am nevertheless happy beyond belief to have the chance to travel to Europe this summer!

If you have been to any of those places and would like to make suggestions as to what is fun, interesting, and amazing to do, please let me know!

I’ve come to realize that in the past year or so, I’ve seemed to have adopted some type of “purposeful ambivalence” towards my relationship with others, family aside. I seem to not care as much about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not those relationships are maintained.

It’s not that I don’t want to care about people, because obviously I do. But I think I care about people in a somewhat detached manner, partially I think from my past experiences that have “taught” me to become this way. The status of which I regard my relationships with other people around me does exist in my mind, but I think there is always that sense detachment to which I hold myself and my connections to others.

In the end, I think I may just be tired of investing so much of myself into other people. It almost seems a bit sad, because this “tiredness” is, I think, dragged over from my high school years… And I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this ambivalent regard I have for my relationships with other people (and, in turn, theirs with mine). It’s a give-and-take either way; a balance is hardly ever reached, because the balance exists independently in each individual’s mind. What I’d regard as a balance could very well be extremely off-balance in another’s viewpoint.

I’m not even sure what it is that I’m trying to say. I guess I am just openly acknowledging my ambivalence in regards to social relations, and that I think this has to change some time or another (of this I am still unsure, though), or I may never build lasting relationships with others.

But then here is the plausible paradox of them all — do lasting relationships really even exist? Aren’t they all relative as well? All of this leads me to question the point of building “strong relationships” with others when most (not all) are built based on convenience. But this is actually one fact that I am okay with. Friends of convenience are friends nonetheless, right? What is the big difference between a friend I meet at x place in my life versus a friend I met at c place in my life earlier on, besides the so-called “history” that exists/existed between us?

Alright, that is enough rambling for me. All of this is done pointlessly anyhow–

“Life has no meaning a priori . Before you come alive, life is nothing; it’s up to you to give it a meaning and value is nothing else but the meaning that you choose.”–Jean-Paul Sartre

Back in high school, I once had a conversation with a friend about human beings always striving for something higher, wanting more than what they already have. Back then, we concluded that such is human nature: as kids, we grow up, go to school, continue onto higher education, establish a career, get married, settle down, have kids, want our kids to grow up to be just as successful, etc. etc. From one stage to the next, we strive for more — be it for better or for worse. We are never quite satisfied with what’s in our lot. Now, don’t get me wrong: this is not a bad thing; it was merely an observation.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, recently, I’ve consciously acknowledged myself doing this, and have been trying to determine why it is that I seem to want to strive for more.

In the past few months, I’ve thought about studying abroad for a semester in Europe. Last semester, I decided that I wanted to go abroad to London, England. So, when this semester rolled around, I began to look for programs and universities that I wanted to attend. I even planned out my class schedule for the next 2.5 years, to see if I could still graduate and have taken everything for my simultaneous degrees, which actually worked out (in my plan, that is). Anyhow, it wasn’t until I realized that I couldn’t go abroad to London through the UC Education Abroad Program (EAP) for Spring semester of next year that I re-evaluated my decision.

I’ve had battles in my mind about this for quite some time now, and I’m trying to possibly convince myself that I needn’t study abroad for a semester because:

1. I already went abroad this summer to Taiwan (which “technically” may not count, seeing as I’ve lived in Taiwan before and have family there…)
2. With my simultaneous degree/double major, my class schedule will be tight. In London, I’d be taking classes for elective requirements only.
3. The class selections at King’s College (where I would have gone) are not broad at all.
4. I want to take so many electives that is offered for the undergrad program of the Haas School of Business.

However, I DO want to study abroad in London because of an idealized image/scenario I have in my mind about how it would be: me in a new city, with new and interesting people, attending school in a foreign place, having an amazing time going out both during the day and nights…

It is then that I realize: this is what I used to think, before I came to college. This is what I thought/wanted (minus the “foreign”/”new”, persay) my summer abroad in Taiwan. I had the time of my life in Taiwan this summer. I lived my “study abroad dream,” meeting new people, going to places in Taipei I never really knew existed, attending school… Coming to college in Berkeley, studying abroad in Taiwan, all of these experiences–it’s the same thing, in my head, which makes me wonder why I seem to have/want “new experiences.” I guess I don’t take time to realize that me being in Berkeley, away from home, is the “new/foreign” place; it was and still could be a place where I’m meeting new and interesting people, having an amazing time day/night; I am living my dream.

So what is it about my life that makes me want to continue and ask for more, continue to ask for a new scene? I don’t believe I’m unhappy right now, I don’t believe the people I’m around are un-interesting… So what the hell is it?!

I’m confused as ever but needless to say, I most likely will not be going abroad. Although I would love, love, love to stay for a month or two in London one day…preferably in the next few years, if I have the money to do so.

I guess we’ll see.

Ahhhh! I have been wanting to update for the past couple of days but just have not had the time to (or I guess have not made the time to)… I’ll just make this a quick update. Basically, I’ve only been back at school for not even a week, but already it feels like it’s been a month. Good news is that I’ve been doing a lot — seeing (some but certainly not enough) friends, going out, eating dim sum at Chinatown, annnnd today I went to the city with my housemates for some shopping and to watch Revolutionary Road. Not quite sure why (although I guess I do know…no time to explain now) but that movie definitely made me emotional. I really would like to read the book now just to get a clearer picture of the message of both the film and the book (although I know at times they can differ).

Anyhow, the gist is that I’m trying to be more social this semester and have more fun than last semester, and with my lighter (supposedly, anyways) load of classes, I hope I will continue to do so.

More updates later. Meanwhile, Happy Chinese Lunar New Years and have a good week to all!