experiencing life through an always-nuanced worldview.

“No, you can’t say it that way! … How should I put it then? … What do you actually mean? … Maybe you should say it more nicely.” – a very probable conversation I’ve had with you if you know me well enough.

Human communication is something that touches all of our lives – whether or not we like it, we have to communicate with others. And if we cannot do it well, then we’ll find ourselves having a hard time building trustworthy, substantial, long-lasting relationships with people.

I don’t know if most people will agree with me on this, but I feel like there’s a difference between communication skills you use in business/the workplace versus the communication skills you use in your personal life. With personal relationships, the wall of courteousness required in the workplace comes down – and the truth comes out.

Sometimes, it’s blunt. And what I’ve learned over the years is that blunt does not mean good. “Bluntness = the truth = everyone should face it”, as much as I used to believe in it, is not always the best way to go. The “truth” (which usually means one’s own opinion) isn’t necessarily the truth, and even if it is, most people do not like to hear it nor accept it. So I’m defining “truth” as an opinion about an issue, trait, or decision relating to the other party. Usually the “truth” just becomes a more objective opinion.

A journey I’ve – finally, consciously, perhaps – have embarked on in the past 6-7 years or so of my life is this confusing yet important learning exercise on communication. In a short-list, here’s the trajectory I’ve gone on in these past years, which has affected both my verbal and online communications:

Too blunt and broadcasting everything
V
Learning how and when to bite my tongue
V
Biting my tongue too much

I’ve tried to think about what factors (people, situation, perspective) have contributed to this progression. Here are the realizations (bolded) I’ve made (which led to a change in my own communication style) and the results and conflicts (italicized) I’ve faced –

• Difference in perspective. Just because I think something doesn’t mean the other person does too.
  Sometimes people want your perspective and opinion, they just don’t (know how to) ask for it.
• We’re grown up now. We’ve reached the age where we need to be responsible and accountable for our own decisions and lives.
  We’re not as grown up as we think, sometimes. Even peers our own age can provide guidance.
  
• Sometimes, people just don’t want to hear it. Who wants to be the person to be the blunt-”truth” preacher? Most people don’t like to be with these individuals who remain on their high-horses and tell you “as it is.”
  But sometimes, they just need to hear it – they don’t have to follow it. If your opinions and sentiments matched that of others, they may eventually “get” it, if they hear it enough times.
  
• Decouple opinion with judgment – at least in the way you say it. Listen. Understand. And be supportive. Incorporate these 3 things and respond with an opinion without judgment.
  Taking out the judgment from opinion is not always easy – and is harder than it seems.

A majority of the bolded realizations I’ve made have made me the communicator that I am today. But, in making all of these “realizations” and modifying the way I communicate with others, I’ve started to learn some of the italicized “lessons.” These lessons – some of which I am still processing and internalizing – have affected the relationships with those I found/find closest to me.

In the midst of all of this, I’ve become almost the opposite of who I was – at least it could seem that way from an external point of view. I’m still opinionated the same way I was – in the sense that I’ll speak up on social, environmental, and political issues. But when it comes to communicating my opinions about the people I’m closest to, I’m only able to do that really with two — or three, at best — people in my life.

Somehow, I’ve become a watered-down version of myself. In a way, it’s a good thing – for the realizations listed in this post. But the lessons I’m getting are making me re-evaluate the way I talk to people in my personal life.

And maybe I’m just still learning – maybe this is a life-long learning exercise on “communication”, after all.

Knowing me, if I want to make a change and balance the “realizations” with the “lessons”, talking about this out loud with others is not going to be enough. I need to internalize this in my head…and be able to express them through writing too. Writing is one of the only ways I’ve ever been able to make sense of things in my head, so that I can articulately (or as articulate as I’m capable of at this time) express my thoughts and opinions.

I want to make changes; no, I need to. I must find the medium between what I’ve had to learn the hard way (the realizations) — and the consequential results (the lessons), so that I’m no longer biting my tongue too much. I want to start building better relationships with people in my life.

So this is me, trying to find my voice again.

Back in high school, I once had a conversation with a friend about human beings always striving for something higher, wanting more than what they already have. Back then, we concluded that such is human nature: as kids, we grow up, go to school, continue onto higher education, establish a career, get married, settle down, have kids, want our kids to grow up to be just as successful, etc. etc. From one stage to the next, we strive for more — be it for better or for worse. We are never quite satisfied with what’s in our lot. Now, don’t get me wrong: this is not a bad thing; it was merely an observation.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, recently, I’ve consciously acknowledged myself doing this, and have been trying to determine why it is that I seem to want to strive for more.

In the past few months, I’ve thought about studying abroad for a semester in Europe. Last semester, I decided that I wanted to go abroad to London, England. So, when this semester rolled around, I began to look for programs and universities that I wanted to attend. I even planned out my class schedule for the next 2.5 years, to see if I could still graduate and have taken everything for my simultaneous degrees, which actually worked out (in my plan, that is). Anyhow, it wasn’t until I realized that I couldn’t go abroad to London through the UC Education Abroad Program (EAP) for Spring semester of next year that I re-evaluated my decision.

I’ve had battles in my mind about this for quite some time now, and I’m trying to possibly convince myself that I needn’t study abroad for a semester because:

1. I already went abroad this summer to Taiwan (which “technically” may not count, seeing as I’ve lived in Taiwan before and have family there…)
2. With my simultaneous degree/double major, my class schedule will be tight. In London, I’d be taking classes for elective requirements only.
3. The class selections at King’s College (where I would have gone) are not broad at all.
4. I want to take so many electives that is offered for the undergrad program of the Haas School of Business.

However, I DO want to study abroad in London because of an idealized image/scenario I have in my mind about how it would be: me in a new city, with new and interesting people, attending school in a foreign place, having an amazing time going out both during the day and nights…

It is then that I realize: this is what I used to think, before I came to college. This is what I thought/wanted (minus the “foreign”/”new”, persay) my summer abroad in Taiwan. I had the time of my life in Taiwan this summer. I lived my “study abroad dream,” meeting new people, going to places in Taipei I never really knew existed, attending school… Coming to college in Berkeley, studying abroad in Taiwan, all of these experiences–it’s the same thing, in my head, which makes me wonder why I seem to have/want “new experiences.” I guess I don’t take time to realize that me being in Berkeley, away from home, is the “new/foreign” place; it was and still could be a place where I’m meeting new and interesting people, having an amazing time day/night; I am living my dream.

So what is it about my life that makes me want to continue and ask for more, continue to ask for a new scene? I don’t believe I’m unhappy right now, I don’t believe the people I’m around are un-interesting… So what the hell is it?!

I’m confused as ever but needless to say, I most likely will not be going abroad. Although I would love, love, love to stay for a month or two in London one day…preferably in the next few years, if I have the money to do so.

I guess we’ll see.