Today, my friend and I were talking about something too often on my mind: relationships and interactions with other people. It’s a topic that I’ve discussed with my sister multiple times before, and something good to reflect on — occasionally. It’s something that’s been on my mind a bit too many times for comfort, so I figured I might as well put it out here…

As overly-analytical this may seem, I always evaluate conversations I have with people, my personal “conversational style” and ways of interaction with other people. After talking to my sister and some friends, I’ve come to conclude that I am one who is “asking the questions.” I keep the conversation flowing, and mostly direct my questions about that person. Somewhere in-between, I’ll interject my own comments or my personal experiences. But more often than not, rather than being inquired about, I throw in little things going on in my life — perhaps in a subconscious effort to make up for other peoples’ lack of “asking the questions.”

While it makes for easy and non-awkward conversation, it also leads to other “consequences”: first, it leads others to become used to my “quizzical” nature, and people become used to talking about themselves (or continue to always talk about themselves in future conversations, because let’s face it — most people love to hear their own voices). Second, on my end, I learn a lot about the person I am talking to. While this is a good thing, I have recently realized that this also leads to a self-delusion: that I think I am close with someone, because I know so much about them, but that they really know not that much at all about me.

Some people don’t mind that others don’t know too much about them; some even prefer it. I wish I could say that I would prefer people not know much about me, and I wouldn’t be having this dilemma in my head at all, but then I would be lying to myself. As much as I am “independent,” sometimes “closed” or “not available” and “to-myself”, I cannot deny that I need daily interaction with people to be happy. Even if I am more introverted than extroverted, I have always had a need to connect with people or people I am close to. So when I realize that my relationships with people are sometimes more one-sided, and that I actually know a lot more about their lives or about them than they know about me/my life, it’s a bit disheartening.

My sister and I had a conversation that I’ve come back to think about quite a few times now — We were talking about our “questioner”/”listener” roles in a conversation, and I claimed that it is nice when somebody asks how you are doing, as a general question. I said that in the context of what the “opposite” would be, which is not ask anything about you (even if it’s general), and just answer/talk about themselves the whole time. My sister, on the other hand, interjected and said, “Yes — but mostly asking ‘how are you’ is a common courtesy and a lot of times just thrown out there because [the person asking] feels bad that they have been talking the whole time.” She continued to say that, “I don’t want people to just vaguely, and out of a tiny sense of guilt, ask ‘how are you?’” which I proceeded to agree with… And she helped me come to the conclusion that it shouldn’t be so difficult for others to ask about specific aspects of my life/life events/etc., to pick out those details and ask about them, because I would do the same. When somebody just generally asks “how are you?” it’s so easy for the other person to shut down and say “I’m fine,” and continue onto “well how about you, tell me about your life…” While I may do that to people I tend to not open myself up to, I also do not always shut down right away. When I talk to somebody else, I can pick out aspects or have specific incidents in his/her lives to ask about, because I care to remember these things (even if I do not have the best memory in the world) and want to know about it. But does the other party want to know about little things in my life? More likely than not, I don’t feel like they do.

So at the end of the day, what should it be? You can’t change somebody to want to ask more about your life or want to know about how you are doing, over talking about their own lives. If someone has the opportunity to talk out loud or have someone to rant to, more likely than not, they’ll take it. And as a friend and a listener, I am willing to do so. But am I willing to continue to build relationships with people under the false impression that we are such good friends, that we are so close, when in fact it’s really more of a one-way street? I’m not so sure. Do I try and tone down my “questioning” …and see what the other person does — if anything — and says instead? I don’t feel like this so-called “questioning” (although I honestly do not feel like it’s as much questioning as making conversation… am I wrong here?) takes over a conversation, because like I said before, if people do not ask me, I usually will share bits of my life too (again, I guess a subconscious effort to feel like the other party actually wants to know?). Or do I just invest my time in people (and I have, very few but there are those few out there…) who actually care enough to ask about my life and tell me about theirs? Is the world so limited to those few people? Are we all so self-absorbed nowadays that we can listen to ourselves talk for conversations at a time about our own lives that we leave no room/desire to hear about other people’s lives?

I’ve quoted this once before in my blog and I will do it again –

“He who despairs of the human condition is a coward, but he who has hope for it is a fool.“ – Albert Camus

I hope I’m not a fool..

I am terribly sorry for the lack of updates recently; I am trying to get back into this, but now with school starting up again, it may be a bit difficult. In any case, my past winter vacation was filled with quite some traveling — I returned to Taipei, Taiwan once again for about 10 days to visit family and actually met up with quite a few of my Berkeley friends in Taiwan! The latter half of my break included my visit to New York City.

So it has always been a dream of mine to live and work in NYC after I graduate. Honestly, I think it’s the fact that it’s a large city, and with large cities comes the romanticized view of what life is supposed to be like in a huge city. Anyhow, I hadn’t been back to NYC since fifth grade, which was the first time I visited the east coast. My sister and I went to New York during early January, which is supposedly one of the worst/coldest times to visit, apparently. It was freeeezing cold and I literally felt like I was in a refrigerator whenever I was outside. I wouldn’t say that my visit will deter me from searching for a job there post-graduation, but I think it isn’t a “priority” to find a job and live in NYC after I graduate. Perhaps it’s the freezing weather that is a bit scary for me (seeing as I am a West-Coaster, after all). But, after much reflection, it’s also the fact that NYC may not be the optimal place to find a job in the social entrepreneurship / social enterprise field. SF one of the major hubs for social ventures nowadays, and while I am sure NYC houses some great social enterprises as well, there are just more options in SF. But honestly, who really knows until I start looking for jobs (which will not be until next year anyways) whether or not NYC may or may not be a potential place after all?!

To speak of my future travel plans, I will actually be traveling with two of my best friends to Europe this summer! I am beyond ecstatic, as I have never had a chance to travel with friends (it has always been with family and family-friends, which has also been amazing to have the opportunity to have traveled with them). We will be going to London, Amsterdam, Athens, and Greek islands Ios, Mykonos, and Santorini. I will then be leaving the trip early, and my friends will be journeying onto Rome, which I am terribly jealous that I will be missing but am nevertheless happy beyond belief to have the chance to travel to Europe this summer!

If you have been to any of those places and would like to make suggestions as to what is fun, interesting, and amazing to do, please let me know!

I’ve come to realize that in the past year or so, I’ve seemed to have adopted some type of “purposeful ambivalence” towards my relationship with others, family aside. I seem to not care as much about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not those relationships are maintained.

It’s not that I don’t want to care about people, because obviously I do. But I think I care about people in a somewhat detached manner, partially I think from my past experiences that have “taught” me to become this way. The status of which I regard my relationships with other people around me does exist in my mind, but I think there is always that sense detachment to which I hold myself and my connections to others.

In the end, I think I may just be tired of investing so much of myself into other people. It almost seems a bit sad, because this “tiredness” is, I think, dragged over from my high school years… And I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this ambivalent regard I have for my relationships with other people (and, in turn, theirs with mine). It’s a give-and-take either way; a balance is hardly ever reached, because the balance exists independently in each individual’s mind. What I’d regard as a balance could very well be extremely off-balance in another’s viewpoint.

I’m not even sure what it is that I’m trying to say. I guess I am just openly acknowledging my ambivalence in regards to social relations, and that I think this has to change some time or another (of this I am still unsure, though), or I may never build lasting relationships with others.

But then here is the plausible paradox of them all — do lasting relationships really even exist? Aren’t they all relative as well? All of this leads me to question the point of building “strong relationships” with others when most (not all) are built based on convenience. But this is actually one fact that I am okay with. Friends of convenience are friends nonetheless, right? What is the big difference between a friend I meet at x place in my life versus a friend I met at c place in my life earlier on, besides the so-called “history” that exists/existed between us?

Alright, that is enough rambling for me. All of this is done pointlessly anyhow–

“Life has no meaning a priori . Before you come alive, life is nothing; it’s up to you to give it a meaning and value is nothing else but the meaning that you choose.”–Jean-Paul Sartre

Back in high school, I once had a conversation with a friend about human beings always striving for something higher, wanting more than what they already have. Back then, we concluded that such is human nature: as kids, we grow up, go to school, continue onto higher education, establish a career, get married, settle down, have kids, want our kids to grow up to be just as successful, etc. etc. From one stage to the next, we strive for more — be it for better or for worse. We are never quite satisfied with what’s in our lot. Now, don’t get me wrong: this is not a bad thing; it was merely an observation.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, recently, I’ve consciously acknowledged myself doing this, and have been trying to determine why it is that I seem to want to strive for more.

In the past few months, I’ve thought about studying abroad for a semester in Europe. Last semester, I decided that I wanted to go abroad to London, England. So, when this semester rolled around, I began to look for programs and universities that I wanted to attend. I even planned out my class schedule for the next 2.5 years, to see if I could still graduate and have taken everything for my simultaneous degrees, which actually worked out (in my plan, that is). Anyhow, it wasn’t until I realized that I couldn’t go abroad to London through the UC Education Abroad Program (EAP) for Spring semester of next year that I re-evaluated my decision.

I’ve had battles in my mind about this for quite some time now, and I’m trying to possibly convince myself that I needn’t study abroad for a semester because:

1. I already went abroad this summer to Taiwan (which “technically” may not count, seeing as I’ve lived in Taiwan before and have family there…)
2. With my simultaneous degree/double major, my class schedule will be tight. In London, I’d be taking classes for elective requirements only.
3. The class selections at King’s College (where I would have gone) are not broad at all.
4. I want to take so many electives that is offered for the undergrad program of the Haas School of Business.

However, I DO want to study abroad in London because of an idealized image/scenario I have in my mind about how it would be: me in a new city, with new and interesting people, attending school in a foreign place, having an amazing time going out both during the day and nights…

It is then that I realize: this is what I used to think, before I came to college. This is what I thought/wanted (minus the “foreign”/”new”, persay) my summer abroad in Taiwan. I had the time of my life in Taiwan this summer. I lived my “study abroad dream,” meeting new people, going to places in Taipei I never really knew existed, attending school… Coming to college in Berkeley, studying abroad in Taiwan, all of these experiences–it’s the same thing, in my head, which makes me wonder why I seem to have/want “new experiences.” I guess I don’t take time to realize that me being in Berkeley, away from home, is the “new/foreign” place; it was and still could be a place where I’m meeting new and interesting people, having an amazing time day/night; I am living my dream.

So what is it about my life that makes me want to continue and ask for more, continue to ask for a new scene? I don’t believe I’m unhappy right now, I don’t believe the people I’m around are un-interesting… So what the hell is it?!

I’m confused as ever but needless to say, I most likely will not be going abroad. Although I would love, love, love to stay for a month or two in London one day…preferably in the next few years, if I have the money to do so.

I guess we’ll see.