Non-conformity and Marriage

I feel like I have this need to go against everything society dictates. At the same time, I find myself conforming to all these societal norms that are set. It’s like straddling this line between what I want to do and what I cannot escape, as much as I try to. As a kid, I always imagined myself getting married. That’s normal, right? People who aren’t married past the age of 30 are pretty much looked down upon and scrutinized. But honestly, what is wrong with being independent and not needing that supposed “security” that marriage brings? Why do people have to have a legal document or whatever it is that legalizes your marriage, to prove that the two human beings love each other? And then I answer my own question. I had resolved that I didn’t think I’d get married. That I don’t want to have kids. But I guess what marriage brings IS this security in that you are bounded, legally, to your partner, especially if you have children (which is when divorces come into play). And then that brings me to whether or not I want to have children. I never really imagined myself having children. They’re like people that seem to bring you down and limit your own possibilities, especially in a career (and more especially when you’re a woman). But then I see these old people with kids who take care of the old people. And I want that. If it’s selfish, then whatever. I am selfish. I don’t want to be left alone in some nursery home with no one to come visit me. And that’s hypocritical too, because I am supposedly all about relying on myself and myself only. But that’s almost impossible, isn’t it? If I have a stroke, or heartattack in my home, who would notify the hospital??But look at what I’m saying. It’s almost as if I need people (my imaginary kids) to be there to rescue me if there were any chance of me dying or something. But why is death so scary? Is it? Or is it really? Sometimes I feel like I am no longer afraid of death, whenever it would come in my life (although I do hope death comes to me after 60 or 70 or however longer years later). Because if I died, I wouldn’t feel anything. I’m dead. It’s the people around me who would feel the sadness (or so I hope) and grief and whatever else you’re supposed to feel after death. And my view on this then becomes selfish, in a weird and twisted way. I guess it’s more like I’m scared of people that I care about to die, because I myself would feel the grief and sadness and emptiness and whatever else I’m supposed to feel. But when it does come down to dying, would I really be scared? Despite everything I’m saying now about me not being afraid, would I be when I’m caught in the circumstance? I don’t know.