Graduating High School

I am so close to graduating high school, and just about two months away from leaving southern California. And what is sad (or maybe not) is that I don’t know if I’ll be sad to leave this place. The rational side of me is actually happy to finally leave, because it’s what I’ve wanted to do for so long, wasn’t it? And yet I know when I am actually leaving, I will be crying and missing some of these people.

But I don’t know. Honestly speaking, I don’t know how much I’ll actually miss people here. Of course, I’ll be leaving my comfort zone and the people I’ve grown used to. But you grow used to almost anyone if you’re around them (and if you like them) enough. It almost seems as if when I go up north, that I will meet people who will be, essentially, the same as people I’ve already met. So then I’m not quite saying goodbye to the people I’m leaving, am I? I don’t know, it’s a weird concept. I’m just saying it’s like everyone is kind of just the same. Yes, personalities will differ - a bit. Histories will be different. But despite those factors, everything else will be the same. I’ll learn to have fun with those new people just as I’ve had fun with the people here.

And then when I say I don’t think I’ll miss the people here that much, yes, it could be just the fact that two months is still too far away. I can’t feel it yet. But when I think about it, I don’t know. It’s just that around the people I hang out with, I don’t quite fit in. Yes, we have similar goals, I suppose. Yes, we’ve grown up together. But those things aside, I can’t identify myself too much with most of the people I do hang out with. Ideologically, I can’t connect with them at all. And that is something huge. It’s like how and why you live your life. And I can’t even begin to ever understand or feel a connection with them there. At all. So what kind of a connection is it that I have with these people? Maybe it’s just natural person-to-person chemistry that I just kind of have with them. But you have chemistry with other people too. So it’s not really just that.

So when I think about what I’ll be leaving behind, I don’t know. I know I sound like a cruel and cold-hearted bitch for saying everything I just did, but it’s the truth. I want to be sad and sentimental (which yes, I probably will be when the two months are up) and cry over how much fun we’ve all had together. But as of now, at least, I can’t. I can’t say I want to stop time and stay here and enjoy the high school experience. I can’t say I’d want to rewind time so I can spend more time with the people I have. Because the truth of the matter is, I don’t want to. I want to move on. I want to meet new people. I want to challenge myself. I want to be free of this place, even if it doesn’t mean much to leave, and even if where I’ll be going could (and probably will) be the same. I guess I just have to see for myself.

It could be a shame that I feel the way I do about the people and the connections I’ve made here in the community, city, place that I call home. It’s not that I don’t care for them. It’s not that I won’t miss them at all. It’s not that I haven’t had a good time. Because I do care for them, I will miss them, and I have had a good time. I don’t know if I even make sense in my explanation. It’s like — I feel like I will meet the same type of people again, and I will experience similar times with the new people I meet who would be like them. Of course, each situation will be a bit different and always unique, but all in all, it is really the same thing. Know what I mean?

Sometimes I wish I felt differently.

But then I don’t.