Disillusionment
Disillusionment
The summer before my senior year, and all throughout my senior year, I began to realize how messed up our world is, and how “sickening” human nature can be. I believe that my AP Literature class (still my favorite and most rewarding class up to date) made me think a lot about the state of our world and just some philosophical questions, and that in realizing the problems, I did become depressed. Oh, and it didn’t help either that living where I grew up (Orange County), I was surrounded by exactly the types of people I despised and never wanted to be. I had a private weblog that I’d post my angry, teen-angsty thoughts in, and, it probably would give a better picture to just post excerpts to show the state of mind I was in.
On living in Orange County:
For the longest time, I believed that I could make the world a better place. That I could accomplish some amazing feat to aid poverty and those who are constantly starving and unemployed. I live in fucking Orange County. One of the richest communities in the world. But there is so much more outside of this little O.C. bubble we like to stay in. So much more out there. I go to Peru and I see all these tourist locations. The nice, beachy places with the beautiful 5-star hotels and overpriced dining areas. And then we drive inland of Lima and you see all of these huts. Houses without roofs. Graffitti on almost every wall, trying to convince people to vote for certain political leaders who would give the people more jobs. And this is just Lima, Peru. Peru.
On non-conformity:
I feel like I have this need to go against everything society dictates. At the same time, I find myself conforming to all these societal norms that are set. It’s like straddling this line between what I want to do and what I cannot escape, as much as I try to. As a kid, I always imagined myself getting married. That’s normal, right? People who aren’t married past the age of 30 are pretty much looked down upon and scrutinized. But honestly, what is wrong with being independent and not needing that supposed “security” that marriage brings?
On having kids:
Supposedly the point (or one of the reasons) of having kids is so they DO take care of you when you’re older. Maybe it’s like this balance. You give up a part of your life raising them and hope that they come back when you’re old and wrinkly to take care of you. Or, you could be unlucky and raise kids that are pieces of shit who don’t care about you anymore and leave you to die alone anyways. You never know. What a gamble, huh?
More on the afterlife (overlaps partly with some parts in the religion section):
Another thing that we was mentioned in Lit last week was human’s desire to transcend beyond life and into something eternal or something better. I cannot understand why people are constantly looking for something better, for something greater – for something larger than life. What’s wrong with seizing what’s around you know, what’s here already, what is tangible? Why must people live for some heaven or hell that no one can ever prove if such places exist? What are people so afraid of? Maybe life isn’t enough for them. It’s like a kid who rarely gets to eat cookies. When he’s offered a whole plate, he takes one, eats it, and suddenly wants more. As if one cookie weren’t enough for that moment. As if he needed to eat that entire plate, and even after the plate is gone, he still wants more cookies. Maybe it’s human nature to always strive for something greater. People are so afraid of reaching death that they want to invent a solution so that they can tell themselves, “This isn’t it. There’s got to be more.” But what if there isn’t more? What if this is it? What if you live your life, waiting for something far greater like some kind of heaven, when in fact there is no heaven up there as we all imagine?
Sometimes I feel like people believe in heaven to comfort themselves. A way of coping. A place where the dead people go, so that one day you can meet them again. But what if I told you that when someone dies, they just die? That there is no place after our lives on earth? Would you be offended, shocked, or sad? Or would you agree with me? Would it scare you to know that this is all you’ve got?
On societal machines and conformity:
And what he said is 100% and completely valid. We ARE part of the machine. We DO get wrapped up in our own shit and forget that there are bigger things out their than our stupid, little petty situations. And when someone tries to make them aware of this, they continue to live in ignorance. They choose not to listen. They choose to decide he’s crazy when what he’s saying, they would never have realized otherwise. Maybe some do realize this, but there is nothing to be done about it. Because I know that’s what I do. I am guilty of talking on my phone, and I am guilty of listening to my iPod. I am guilty of being sucked into all of these machines that society makes us all victims of.
On truth and fear:
What I do know or what I have discovered is that people are afraid of the truth. They are afraid of honesty. And why? There; that is something I don’t understand. Sometimes I am accused of speaking too bluntly or stating too much. And there – me being accused of being blunt – is something I also never expected I’d get accused of. Because a year ago, or even months ago, I do not know, I would not consider myself blunt or mean or anything of that sort. Because it wasn’t/isn’t me to do that. But I know what I do state are facts that are undeniably true. No, I’m not being conceited and I’m not trying to thrust my version of truth onto others. That I won’t and know I cannot do. But I’ve come to realize that people do not want to hear such things; and by such things I mean the honesty. And that’s the irony of it all. Just when we thought honesty was the best policy, it really isn’t.
On gay rights:
I feel that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people do not have enough of a voice in today’s society. In our society, we tend to shun these people and label them as “disgusting” or “unnatural.” And that is outright wrong. I’m sorry if you think that way, but let me give you a reality check: they are people too. They deserve the same exact rights as anyone else. Since when did our country discriminate? I thought it ended with racism. And now we discriminate based on sexual orientation? Who are we to deny humans the right to happiness?
On “Fake it until you make it” :
Fake it until you make it.
Ever wonder just how true that statement is?
Sometimes it feels like if we can pretend to be a certain way for long enough, we will start to believe it ourselves. As if we could force ourselves to feel certain (or not to feel) by acting apathetic or however other way we must act in order to give off the appearance that we are okay. I don’t know how true this is. I know I do it. And I know lots of other people do it as well.
On the human race:
I am so sick and tired of how weak and pathetic the human race is. Whoever said we were the most superior or whatever the hell it is, they were/are either way too optimistic or just plain stupid and blind.
On graduating high school:
Honestly speaking, I don’t know how much I’ll actually miss people here. Of course, I’ll be leaving my comfort zone and the people I’ve grown used to. But you grow used to almost anyone if you’re around them (and if you like them) enough. It almost seems as if when I go up north, that I will meet people who will be, essentially, the same as people I’ve already met. So then I’m not quite saying goodbye to the people I’m leaving, am I?
