The Girl
Normally, I wouldn’t devote a whole page to talking about myself. If this were Facebook, I wouldn’t put anything under the “About Me,” because I feel that if you want to know me, you take the effort to get to know me. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. Now, online, it is a different case. This, besides from the weblog, is the only way you’d get to know me. So, let’s begin.
Childhood and Education
I was born and raised in a foreign country, up until I was eight years old. It was then that my parents told me we were moving to the United States. Propelled by my childhood naivety, I could not be more excited to move to the country of my dreams (literally). Little did I realize the implications of moving to a new country, in a new environment, surrounded by new kinds of people. I remember crying the summer right before my third grade, because I couldn’t write a simple short “essay” that my summer school teacher told us to. I cried to my parents, and was frustrated with myself, for not being able to do such a task. That summer, I memorized as much vocabulary as I could. I went through a children’s dictionary daily, and wrote down any words I did not know, and thus proceeded to memorize them. Well, my hard work paid off. By the end of my third grade, I was the #2 reader in my class, and I had no accent. I did well all through middle school and high school.
I now attend the University of California, Berkeley. I am currently a freshman at the university, and already, I have to say: I love it. For reasons beyond what I could explain in one measly page. But I suppose I’ll try.
Becoming Opinionated
Beginning with my junior year in high school, I befriended someone who was politically well-minded and informed. I was then exposed to world issues and opinions. I realized that awareness is the first step, and that politics, as corrupt and ridiculous as it is, is a necessary evil. Even if I do not agree with the workings of our political system or politics in general, politics is what drives our world. And thus, it is important and worthy of my attention. Ever since, I have followed the news and researched on different issues and formed my opinions about them. I’m not going to go into my opinions here on political issues, but here is a quote that explains the “gist” of my beliefs:
“What do our opponents mean when they apply to us the label ‘Liberal?’ …[I]f by a ‘Liberal’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind,someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a ‘Liberal,’ then I’m proud to say I’m a ‘Liberal.’” -John F. Kennedy
Religion (or lack thereof)
Around the same time, I began to question religion. I was never quite brought up in a religious family background: my parents supposedly practice a religion, but they are really not that religious. However, where I grew up (in America), I was surrounded by Christians. I remember a time when I was in middle school that I was jealous of my peers who went to church. It sounded like they had a lot of fun, and I wanted to go (though I never did). I ended up believing that there was a God, and that somehow I could pray and hope things would get better. However, after some questioning and re-evaluation, I decided that this so-called God did not exist. This also happened around my junior year of high school. I became agnostic: unsure of just what exactly exists in terms of religion.
The senior year of high school, my AP Literature teacher required us to write a religion paper. We got to choose which religion we wanted to do, and I chose Daoism. In hindsight, I’d say that the writing of this paper was what really solidified the atheist views I have today. Here are some excerpts from my paper that could be more telling of just what my views are — read them here.
So, I am now an atheist with such views (in a too-simplified list):
- - I believe there is no God, and there is no higher power.
- - I am not spiritual.
- - I view myself the equivalent to a Christian viewing God: I don’t pray in hopes that something will get better. Instead, I actively seek to change what I believe I’m doing wrong, and in the process become a better person.
- - I do not believe in an afterlife, nor a Heaven/Hell.
- - I believe that after we die, we do just become dirt in the ground (or ashes in an urn), and I am okay with that.
Disillusionment and Depression
The summer before my senior year, and all throughout my senior year, I began to realize how messed up our world is, and how “sickening” human nature can be. I believe that my AP Literature class (still my favorite and most rewarding class up to date) made me think a lot about the state of our world and just some philosophical questions, and that in realizing the problems, I did become depressed. Oh, and it didn’t help either that living where I grew up (Orange County), I was surrounded by exactly the types of people I despised and never wanted to be. I had a private weblog that I’d post my angry, teen-angsty thoughts in, and, it probably would give a better picture to just post excerpts to show the state of mind I was in.
On living in Orange County:
For the longest time, I believed that I could make the world a better place. That I could accomplish some amazing feat to aid poverty and those who are constantly starving and unemployed. I live in fucking Orange County. One of the richest communities in the world. But there is so much more outside of this little O.C. bubble we like to stay in. So much more out there. I go to Peru and I see all these tourist locations. The nice, beachy places with the beautiful 5-star hotels and overpriced dining areas. And then we drive inland of Lima and you see all of these huts. Houses without roofs. Graffitti on almost every wall, trying to convince people to vote for certain political leaders who would give the people more jobs. And this is just Lima, Peru. Peru.
On non-conformity:
I feel like I have this need to go against everything society dictates. At the same time, I find myself conforming to all these societal norms that are set. It’s like straddling this line between what I want to do and what I cannot escape, as much as I try to. As a kid, I always imagined myself getting married. That’s normal, right? People who aren’t married past the age of 30 are pretty much looked down upon and scrutinized. But honestly, what is wrong with being independent and not needing that supposed “security” that marriage brings?
On having kids:
Supposedly the point (or one of the reasons) of having kids is so they DO take care of you when you’re older. Maybe it’s like this balance. You give up a part of your life raising them and hope that they come back when you’re old and wrinkly to take care of you. Or, you could be unlucky and raise kids that are pieces of shit who don’t care about you anymore and leave you to die alone anyways. You never know. What a gamble, huh?
More on the afterlife (overlaps partly with some parts in the religion section):
Another thing that we was mentioned in Lit last week was human’s desire to transcend beyond life and into something eternal or something better. I cannot understand why people are constantly looking for something better, for something greater - for something larger than life. What’s wrong with seizing what’s around you know, what’s here already, what is tangible? Why must people live for some heaven or hell that no one can ever prove if such places exist? What are people so afraid of? Maybe life isn’t enough for them. It’s like a kid who rarely gets to eat cookies. When he’s offered a whole plate, he takes one, eats it, and suddenly wants more. As if one cookie weren’t enough for that moment. As if he needed to eat that entire plate, and even after the plate is gone, he still wants more cookies. Maybe it’s human nature to always strive for something greater. People are so afraid of reaching death that they want to invent a solution so that they can tell themselves, “This isn’t it. There’s got to be more.” But what if there isn’t more? What if this is it? What if you live your life, waiting for something far greater like some kind of heaven, when in fact there is no heaven up there as we all imagine?
Sometimes I feel like people believe in heaven to comfort themselves. A way of coping. A place where the dead people go, so that one day you can meet them again. But what if I told you that when someone dies, they just die? That there is no place after our lives on earth? Would you be offended, shocked, or sad? Or would you agree with me? Would it scare you to know that this is all you’ve got?
On societal machines and conformity:
And what he said is 100% and completely valid. We ARE part of the machine. We DO get wrapped up in our own shit and forget that there are bigger things out their than our stupid, little petty situations. And when someone tries to make them aware of this, they continue to live in ignorance. They choose not to listen. They choose to decide he’s crazy when what he’s saying, they would never have realized otherwise. Maybe some do realize this, but there is nothing to be done about it. Because I know that’s what I do. I am guilty of talking on my phone, and I am guilty of listening to my iPod. I am guilty of being sucked into all of these machines that society makes us all victims of.
On truth and fear:
What I do know or what I have discovered is that people are afraid of the truth. They are afraid of honesty. And why? There; that is something I don’t understand. Sometimes I am accused of speaking too bluntly or stating too much. And there - me being accused of being blunt - is something I also never expected I’d get accused of. Because a year ago, or even months ago, I do not know, I would not consider myself blunt or mean or anything of that sort. Because it wasn’t/isn’t me to do that. But I know what I do state are facts that are undeniably true. No, I’m not being conceited and I’m not trying to thrust my version of truth onto others. That I won’t and know I cannot do. But I’ve come to realize that people do not want to hear such things; and by such things I mean the honesty. And that’s the irony of it all. Just when we thought honesty was the best policy, it really isn’t.
On gay rights:
I feel that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people do not have enough of a voice in today’s society. In our society, we tend to shun these people and label them as “disgusting” or “unnatural.” And that is outright wrong. I’m sorry if you think that way, but let me give you a reality check: they are people too. They deserve the same exact rights as anyone else. Since when did our country discriminate? I thought it ended with racism. And now we discriminate based on sexual orientation? Who are we to deny humans the right to happiness?
On “Fake it until you make it” :
Fake it until you make it.
Ever wonder just how true that statement is?
Sometimes it feels like if we can pretend to be a certain way for long enough, we will start to believe it ourselves. As if we could force ourselves to feel certain (or not to feel) by acting apathetic or however other way we must act in order to give off the appearance that we are okay. I don’t know how true this is. I know I do it. And I know lots of other people do it as well.
On the human race:
I am so sick and tired of how weak and pathetic the human race is. Whoever said we were the most superior or whatever the hell it is, they were/are either way too optimistic or just plain stupid and blind.
On graduating high school:
Honestly speaking, I don’t know how much I’ll actually miss people here. Of course, I’ll be leaving my comfort zone and the people I’ve grown used to. But you grow used to almost anyone if you’re around them (and if you like them) enough. It almost seems as if when I go up north, that I will meet people who will be, essentially, the same as people I’ve already met. So then I’m not quite saying goodbye to the people I’m leaving, am I?
Finally Coming to Terms with the World
After “counseling” (not professional counseling, mind you) by two of my very close friends, and an enjoyable summer (the summer of 2007), I’ve slowly come to terms with the world and what I used to believe was “human weakness.”
I have concluded that although I cannot change the world, I can try to change the people around me and the community in which I can influence. After going to college at UC Berkeley, I’ve joined a grassroots organization called CalPIRG, and an environmental consulting group as well. Doing this kind of work has made me realize that I can make a difference, even if it’s on a small scale.
I think that during this “depression” phase, I was just truly unhappy with the person I was, the friends I had, and the place I lived. When I went to college, I think I began to actively change myself (and am still in the process) to become a person that I want to be. No, this is not some “new identity” or “reinventing myself” as some people do. Instead, it’s improving myself to be a person I’m proud of and a person who truly represents my opinions and beliefs.
I have come to accept some of these “human weaknesses” I used to rag on. And, in all honesty, it does sometimes still hurt. Deep down, I guess I am still a bit sad that we do have to accept (what I used to call) “mediocrity.” But I guess what I didn’t realize it that that is how the world operates. And that it will be like that for a very long time, if not forever. But I learned to look for the positive things (such as some of the grassroots work I do, and the people I do it with, because they care just as much as I do), rather than the negative things.
My senior year of high school, my AP Lit teacher made us read the book Moby Dick by Herman Melvhille. It was quite boring at times — after all, the book is about a giant sperm whale… — but a character in the book, Ahab, truly remains my hero. I don’t know why I identified so much with this character, but (in short summary), Ahab tried to kill Moby (the giant whale that symbolized God, the higher powers, and what you can’t control), and died doing so. Some view Ahab as a stupid idiot, but I view him as a hero. He fought for what he believed in, even if he died doing it. It is something I wish I could do, but I know that living in the society we have today, it is pretty impossible.
My friend asked me once if I had a dream job. Or a dream anything. And I thought about it, and realized that I didn’t. Or, at least, that was my reply. My academic/career plan is to get into the business school at UC Berkeley. And after some thought, I realized that what I truly want to do (and I do know this is only an ideal, but just go along with me here..) is to start a revolution in which businesses are no longer selfish and conservatively Republican, and in which businesses start to care about the outside world and causes such as poverty and do something about it. So, that is my dream. I want to begin a revolution.
