I actually totally agree with you about death. I obviously don't want to die either, but the way I see, if I die, I die. And since I don't personally believe in an afterlife or anything after death, I can't see how death would be a 'big deal' to me if I were already dead and cannot feel what it feels like to be dead or know that I'm dead, if that makes sense. In the endless cycle, we physically do not die in that sense..but to me the 'scariest' part about death is losing my mind/brain/ability to be conscious of what's happening. So when I am dead, I'd see myself truly dead in the sense that my mind is no longer working, even if my physical body will remain 'alive.'

What we study in my philosophy class *is* this notion of the fundamental core of Christianity and the unconditional commitment, love, and tolerance. It's something my professor also defends, but in practice it becomes something totally different. What's intriguing to me about existentialism is the attempt to 'secularize' this type of unconditional commitment to God and somehow make sense of it in this semi-nihilist world we seem to live in.

Don't worry, you don't sound like a nutcase to me. If anything I probably sound even more like one!

I actually totally agree with you about death. I obviously don't want to die either, but the way I see, if I die, I die. And since I don't personally believe in an afterlife or anything after death, I can't see how death would be a 'big deal' to me if I were already dead and cannot feel what it feels like to be dead or know that I'm dead, if that makes sense. In the endless cycle, we physically do not die in that sense..but to me the 'scariest' part about death is losing my mind/brain/ability to be conscious of what's happening. So when I am dead, I'd see myself truly dead in the sense that my mind is no longer working, even if my physical body will remain 'alive.'

What we study in my philosophy class *is* this notion of the fundamental core of Christianity and the unconditional commitment, love, and tolerance. It's something my professor also defends, but in practice it becomes something totally different. What's intriguing to me about existentialism is the attempt to 'secularize' this type of unconditional commitment to God and somehow make sense of it in this semi-nihilist world we seem to live in.

Don't worry, you don't sound like a nutcase to me. If anything I probably sound even more like one!

Though I haven't read Dostoevsky, I can relate to your argument about whether or not god exists. I struggle with this frequently, often swinging to one or the other. I feel frequently that there is something here that I cannot explain. Something cosmic, something I am a part of. It is not greater than me nor I am greater than it. But I feel something mysterious in nature, and it's beautiful, but I just don't know what it is. Is it god, or what we call god?

Along the same lines, you talked about pointlessness. As for me, though I am not necessarily a nihilist, I don't think we have some sort of be-all, end-all role in life; I don't think we should follow 'god's will,' because there isn't a will to follow. Though I don't know if I will ever find a purpose in life, there is something fantastic and wonderful about it. And though I don't want to die, I don't fear death. I think death is a simple fact, and a cycle–my flesh will decay into the earth, which nourishes the plants, which are eaten by animals, which are then eaten by bigger animals, who die… and become part of this truly endless cycle. So how can we ever truly die, if that is what happens?

I have studied Christianity for a long time, and I think that the ideology that is found in modern churches to be bloated and false. Though I am not a Christian, I will defend the core of its belief system, which is this beautiful message of unconditional love and tolerance. The bible, specifically the New Testament, is riddled with contradictions, though most Christians will vehemently proclaim otherwise. And when you point out specific examples with the verses right in front of them, they will rationalize it and further try to convert you. Yes, I have had experience with this and it has made me bitter and angry.

I should stop talking. Sorry if this made little sense. I probably sound like a nutcase.