Pointlessly.org

I’ve come to realize that in the past year or so, I’ve seemed to have adopted some type of “purposeful ambivalence” towards my relationship with others, family aside. I seem to not care as much about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not those relationships are maintained.

It’s not that I don’t want to care about people, because obviously I do. But I think I care about people in a somewhat detached manner, partially I think from my past experiences that have “taught” me to become this way. The status of which I regard my relationships with other people around me does exist in my mind, but I think there is always that sense detachment to which I hold myself and my connections to others.

In the end, I think I may just be tired of investing so much of myself into other people. It almost seems a bit sad, because this “tiredness” is, I think, dragged over from my high school years… And I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this ambivalent regard I have for my relationships with other people (and, in turn, theirs with mine). It’s a give-and-take either way; a balance is hardly ever reached, because the balance exists independently in each individual’s mind. What I’d regard as a balance could very well be extremely off-balance in another’s viewpoint.

I’m not even sure what it is that I’m trying to say. I guess I am just openly acknowledging my ambivalence in regards to social relations, and that I think this has to change some time or another (of this I am still unsure, though), or I may never build lasting relationships with others.

But then here is the plausible paradox of them all — do lasting relationships really even exist? Aren’t they all relative as well? All of this leads me to question the point of building “strong relationships” with others when most (not all) are built based on convenience. But this is actually one fact that I am okay with. Friends of convenience are friends nonetheless, right? What is the big difference between a friend I meet at x place in my life versus a friend I met at c place in my life earlier on, besides the so-called “history” that exists/existed between us?

Alright, that is enough rambling for me. All of this is done pointlessly anyhow–

“Life has no meaning a priori . Before you come alive, life is nothing; it’s up to you to give it a meaning and value is nothing else but the meaning that you choose.”–Jean-Paul Sartre

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